Jane
08.30.2013
Below the Paris to Seattle sky bus,
a cloud path seems to lead to Shangri-La,
some impossibly beautiful cloud country only spirits can enter.
And I know she is leaving.
Over there, icebergs
and shipwrecked ocean liners,
giant frogs posing as princes,
a burning arrow of pink-gold cloud, a peony.
*
Were we close?
Only as close as twins
who do not know where one begins
and the other ends.
Were we close?
Only as close as two fledgling elf owls,
one a little noisier, finding shade in a saguaro
from the Arizona heat.
Were we close?
Only as close as two children of tender natures,
daughters of a Viking mother—
magnificent—but tough.
Were we close?
Close as two girls, one who loved playing with dolls,
the other, playing with characters in books,
both knowing early on which would be a mother.
Were we close?
Close as two swimmers
in red tank suits, passing the baton
in a relay race.
Were we close?
Close as two best friends, 11 and 12,
trying out our first tampons
in the bathroom at midnight.
Were we close?
Close as two Nordic girls
who gravitate to the sea,
high school in La Jolla.
Were we close?
Close as two astonished virgins
discovering sex the same summer,
one in Zurich, one in Paris.
Were we close?
Close as a pair of ears
thrilling to Dylan’s “All Along the Watch Tower”
and “Lay, Lady, Lay.”
Were we close?
Close as Betty’s daughters, raving about the best books,
The Wizard of Oz to Mrs. Dalloway,
In Arabian Nights to Duino Elegies.
Were we close?
Close as two horses nickering,
galloping, freed, ecstatic
in Berkeley in the '60s.
Were we close?
Close as two artists’ models
costumed as the Mad Hatter and the Dormouse
at an art class Tea Party in Kroeber Hall.
Were we close?
Close as two Viking daughters
setting sail for adventures in the ‘70s
on trimaran and schooner.
Were we close?
When one was in trouble in Ecuador,
she didn’t have to say a thing,
the other leaped to go.
Were we close?
Close as two female artists, slowly learning
how to stay devoted to the making, the shaping,
and cheering each other on.
Were we close?
Close as two monks
who value simple food
and silence.
Were we close?
All our lives when the phone rang,
we knew
when it was the other.
Were we close?
Praying for each other to find a worthy mate,
one who’d be there through celebration and suffering,
the failing body, sailing the long distance with us through the end.
Were we close?
Close as daughters of a splendid father,
fighting for him to finish his life as he wished,
exulting with our family when he returned as hawk.
Were we close?
Close as two art lovers,
speechless at Louise Bourgeois at the Pompidou,
a woman telling deep, difficult truth through her art.
Were we close?
Close as two stars
in opposite constellations,
the Centaur and the Twins.
Were we close?
Close as a dreamer
dreaming with Jane through the bardos,
through the long journey home.
Were we close?
Close as two stars in the same immensity,
connected to each other, and you,
through our shining.
*
Out of thick fog,
two points of a star lit with gold,
or the tail of a fish:
Seattle.
Pine trees, gold
light and sea.
Serenity over all.
Roar of the plane descending.
Race to Swedish Hospital
with Jon and Leatrice. Already there:
Betty, Suki, Ann, Greg,
Bayu, Rachel and Liza.
Jane in bed,
eyes closed, struggling for breath,
beautiful as ever. We hold her hands,
stroke her brow. An hour later, she goes.
Are we close?
Always.
Reader Comments (28)
Exquisitely and deeply moving.
I'm crying-so beautiful and to think I am privileged to have known you and Jane from almost the beginning. What a lovely, loving tribute to a wonderful woman.
absolutely beautiful !! there are no words -- Love you
Beautiful. Perfect. Speechless.
And Jane's stanzas echo every one you wrote I am sure...echo through the heavens...for there are many as we know. Sending love dear Kaaren
"Were we close?
Close as two stars in the same immensity,
connected to each other, and you,
through our shining."
Truer words never were spoken. Missing someone I've never known.
Dearest Kaaren,
There is such deep beauty and an infinite chasm of loss in your love and Oneness with your dear Jane. Your stars were surely aligned in the heavens as your kind of unity only befalls a rare few.
My heart goes out to yours that is breaking. May you find peace in this time of sorrow.
Blessings to you and your family.
Love,
Joanne
Were we close?. Not for over 30 years. Yet the twinkle in her eye, melodious laugh and all embracing love stirs in me as yesterday. I cried again as your words cut through the years and miles. thank you Jane. Thank you Kaaren.
Exquisite. You each were a gift to the other; and both, to the world.
Susan and Audrey and Betsy and Daniel and Amy and Anna,
Your words mean everything to me. I think of how each of you knew or did not know Jane, and yet did:
Audrey and Betsy, our roots go back so far into childhood in Arizona.
Amy, ours do, too, though, in spite of our family connection, you never met Jane, since we've only known each other since Paris.
Daniel, your and Malika's and Jane's and my Berkeley days and our love of poetry connect us all through the years.
Susan, I feel that you really do know Jane through our friendship and our Berkeley roots.
Anna, Thank you, fellow fictionista and friend. We have such a similar view of the spirit world. So you, too, really do know Jane.
I love you all,
Kaaren (and Richard)
So beautiful, Kaaren! My heart is with you.
This photograph of Jane was taken by Richard several years ago at Ironwood Studio, an art gallery my brother and his wife own in Phoenix. Jon and Leatrice gave Jane her last art show, and it was a smashing success, most of her sculptures sold.
*
I will respond to later messages tomorrow, after the Ganesh parade.
Love,
Kaaren
Kaaren, I woke up last night thinking of you. Surely it was because your beautiful, perfect words were being shared here. Thank you
for sharing your sister and your twin spirits and these beautiful memories so generously. My heart is with you. Deepest sympathy and love. Xo Jennifer
You did your sister proud, and yourself as well. When you need it most, the artistry comes, brilliantly. My love to you and Richard, and to Jane, Lady Jane, who I never met, but always knew, through you. Thank you.
With shining words you enlighten us how to move through great loss with grace. Thank-you.
Tristine.
Dear Joanne and Stuart and Marco and Tara and Jennifer and John and Tristine,
Thank you for your dear words.
Joanne: Maybe it was an alignment of stars. We were always in synch with each other. I think it was also that my mother and father were in love with each other all the years of their marriage. Thank you and hugs.
Marco: I love this: "... the twinkle in her eye, melodious laugh and all embracing love stirs in me as yesterday." What adventures you had with Jane in Ecuador! Weren't you there when Bayu was born? Thank you and love.
Stuart: Your Friday Harbor composition is so gorgeous. It must be performed in Friday Harbor one day, perhaps at the art show that is being planned of Jane's sculpture there. Thank you and hugs.
Tara: Greet those elf owls in the saguaro from us. Merci et bisous.
Jennifer: You must be psychic. I was awake myself wondering if posting this eulogy here was too personal. We've been through those kinds of questions before, haven't we. Thank you and love.
John: Thank you. I miss the gathering of our s.t.a.r.s. in Playa del Rey. Thank you and love.
Tristine: I don't know how much grace there is in this loss, but it is surely full of love, including your sweet words. Thank you and love.
Kaaren and Richard
What a huge blessing to have your parents so in love for their entire marriage. What greater gift of teaching and learning than to be a living embodiment of love. Very precious.
;-)
Joanne
just now reading this post from lively warm vibrant LA! thank you for these words, Kaaren!
brilliant, full of love & sorrow & acceptance....(if there is ever really acceptance of the loss
of the hole in our whole!)
love to you and Richard
This is so very beautiful and moving, Kaaren. And, Richard, what a lovely, life-filled photo of Jane. Sending you much love and condolences as you move through your grief. What a gift to have a sibling with whom you shared such a soulful connection!
love and hugs,
dawna
Kaaren is so beautiful to see how you can find strong on the pain...I wish I can try to warm your heart soon in Paris as you did with me before this year.. I wish you much love, inner peace and happy mind! Fernanda